Non-Violent Communication (NVC) for Self-Inquiry!

Today I discuss how I use NVC (Non-Violent Communication) as a powerful self-inquiry tool, with examples – hope you enjoy 🙂


All love,
Angela. xxx

23 thoughts on “Non-Violent Communication (NVC) for Self-Inquiry!

    • Hello great sharing! I agree with using “I want” rather than “I need” and also using NVC as a self-inquiry tool, primarily.
      Thank you for pointing out that possibility too.
      I had learnt NVC a decade ago, used it in some personal relationship issue but it did not bring the result i wanted then. Also the mechanical aspect of it was felt during the seminars.
      Uising it as a self-inquiry tool to find the deeper underlying causes of an issue is just an excellent suggestion.

  1. Yes this was great, thanks for sharing. In theory this sounds wonderful but when I think about putting it to practice with my sister whom I have a somewhat emotional relationship sometimes, not sure how it would work. We would just get into an argument! Perhaps the line “would you consider”, I would apply to myself, not her, and keep it quietly in my head.
    What I would like to raise here though is that I have been told to look inside myself and the feelings I feel from when we are not getting along, means I have not accepted those feelings within me. And this applies to anyone I might be experiencing a negative emotional charge with. So for example if so and so is making me angry/frustrated because they are domineering, I’m supposed to process how I have not accepted the domineering side inside of me, and so on. I find that difficult to do. But what you describe here I can see makes sense; I can certainly identify my wants. I wonder if anyone is familiar with the aforementioned line of thinking I describe here?

  2. Here’s my opinion for the “not accepted feelings” (like anger, …) you are concerned about:
    As I experienced it, “not accepted feelings”, or some people say “not integrated feelings”, it is good to hear them and treat them with respect because these feelings are in fact helping us to find our balance/needs/centre.
    When you speak of “domination” then it’s just another concept mankind has evolved, where you put these feelings in and this makes it only more complicated or even leads into self-judgement. When keeping it pure and simple (“Raw” :-)) and staying in the moment and what you feel it’s easier.
    All negative connoted feelings are there to show us where we are in lack of our needs (always love). If we don’t let them “speak” the way Angela gave examples for, but putting them into concepts (“dominating person”, “mean child”, “loser”, “bad mother/sister”), judging them, bearing them down, then we run risk of communication escalation (for example the negative examples Angela gave), depression, illness, …

    [sorry for my language-style, I’m german ;-)]

  3. In additional: If you say “they are dominating” then you’re already at the other person and in judgement.
    That advice you got like “processing how you don’t accept the dominating side inside of you” is misleading because it assumes that there would be a dominating side inside of you and that exactly leads into nonacceptance and everything that follows up. There’s a interdependency, you see?
    Stay pure 🙂

    • Thanks Laura-I appreciate your comments. Its certainly challenging (sometimes) to not get rattled when your are faced with these challenging emotions from others and yourself. I do see how they are lessons, Ive always been aware of that, and it does help me learn more about myself rather than point the finger, so to speak.

  4. I think that quite often when we feel offended by other people’s words or actions and react with aggression or negative emotions, it is because we have been relying on the “world” to define/determine our self esteem and value. First we must acknowledge that being human makes us all in need of love, kindness and acceptance. If we don’t feel as though we have these things we will be in a deficient position to give these things to others. So what is our original source of these thiings??? The unconditional Love of Our Creator, our Provider, The King of the Universe. This is a great place to start.

  5. This was very informative, and makes a lot of sense. “What do I want?” rather than, “What do I need?” is a better option, I agree, but they both address something that is unmet or lacking. My baby is now 14, but I’m in the healthcare field, and am always studying. My son is in a Waldorf School, & I learned, from observation mostly, how to speak to children in loving, respectful ways without yelling or demanding from them. They taught me how to avoid saying “no” all the time when my son was little. They use, “You may” do this or that, or go over here(to redirect a child), etc. Tell them what they can do, instead of what they can’t do. Waldorf teachers are specially trained in speech and communication, and are expected to find creative ways of gaining cooperation from their students. They might sing to the younger ones, a song about cleaning up, or coming in from the play ground. They use whisper tones indoors & always maintain a calm, supportive presence. I’m finding the high school to be very supportive on all levels as well. Spiritually, emotionally, physically, creatively, and academically. It’s such a beautiful education! I do find it more difficult to deal with adult conflicts or social conflicts, and need to work more on this for sure. I would like to learn, specifically, how to handle a situation where you try to remain calm, address your needs or wants to the person, and they still react aggressively or hostile? This, I think, is where I lack in coping skills. Maybe some more role play or talk on taking the “high road” instead of being reactionary? I did not grow up in a healthy home, so I have spent the past 22 years healing from my childhood, and making sure the pattern of family dysfunction stops with me. I count on good people like yourself, my therapist, and many others to learn and grow from. I’m seeing the fruits of my labor in the fine young man my boy is turning out to be! We love your raw foods store! Thanks, Denise.

  6. 1. When I hear your video about NVC
    2. I feel really happy and glad
    3. Because it helps to know I’m not alone practicing this for myself and with our 7 children
    4. Would you be willing to make more videos like that?
    Thanks Angela! 😀 ❤

  7. Dear Angela
    Thank you to talk about all your life,share ewerithing.
    i feel and live in silence,like you
    I am i single mather and live in Croatia,i feel scare to not be panish,how i live,but deep i feel this ist my way,now i feel,wish,need to move in supporting oround,i free my self to be happy
    All now whot hapen in my life show me to start spike,move ,live whot i feel
    My son,5 year old, Start now to see father,hu just violent communication with bouth,manipuleit my son to eat meet(we aet Raw vegan diet $ year)eweri time My son have smooking smeel on,i feel so shocked,i scare to talk, social work can not give protect,its acccetble. i feel to move,and live close the people who feels and lives (like you talk in one video)
    I wish to came in Vilcabamba,now-pleas you know some persons who wish to ofer place when we come to ground for firs time,to adapt,to hawe littelbeat stabilliti
    Pleas, if you Dear Angela hawe some sogestion feel free to say
    i Hug You WitH Love
    Thank You

  8. I love this and just tweeted it! Thank you SO MUCH for making it! I thought the examples were KEY, especially the horrible ones, lol! Really takes the concept into the practical application and I’m grateful!

  9. Angela, I love listening and watching you but may I suggest that you look into the camera? That way I feel you’re talking directly to me. 🙂

  10. Yes, If you are able to look into the camera part of the time. You do have a good voice, These issues are not important for me, now. I do see that comly thinking things through, everybody will be able to come to a better conclusion.

  11. Beautiful job of expressing and explaining! Actually, I quite liked that you were looking to the side and not into the camera directly at the screen. You could have, but the way you did it seemed relaxed and intimate. You have a lovely way of presenting yourself, great voice and accent, and really hit the relevant factors that made the process clear. Thank you for sharing. It was valuable.

  12. Thank you Angela 🙂 I’m glad you’ve made some “raw” examples too 🙂 unlike some other vegans and raw foodies who claim there’s no such thing as violent people or bad feelings, reactions, emotions, and I feel they are not honest about life… I’m so happy that you introduced NVC, it does make a lot of sense now and I will be looking forward to try it out when the opportunity arise. It feels as it genuinely would work to conquer angry feelings that sometimes would occur. Moreover, this will genuinely spread love and kindness. Thank you for such in depth tutorial. This indeed most helpful than just saying “be kind” full stop. Love you long time xxx

  13. Angela,

    Santa bought me a copy of NVC last week and I am anxious to read it. Thanks for the great introduction to the topic. It’s helpful to have advance warning of some of the pitfalls that may arise as I am learning NVC. Your examples were compassionate and insightful.

    Love and light,
    Marina Patrice

  14. This rings so true to me. Thank you for sharing this information that I feel I have been searching for for a life time. Hugs, Ketena

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